William: male, 24, single

William is in college studying sexology (a specialty within the field of psychology).  Specifically, he’s specializing in the subfield of feminine sexuality.  I asked why he had chosen that field. I could see a smile forming by the expression of his eyes in the rearview mirror.  He replied that he’s “really into females, understanding them” and that’s what he thinks about. I’m sure he’s been asked that question before.  So although I had already completed all the interviews I needed for this book, I couldn’t pass this one up.  

So here’s William’s essentials list:

1. Understanding:  “I want someone who’s open-minded, accepting, isn’t judgmental, and can really listen to what I’m saying.”  As our discussion continued, I realized “this acceptance, understanding and open-mindedness” seemed to reference something in his sexuality. 
2. Communication:  His description of communication was nearly identical to his definition of understanding (“acceptance, understanding, open-mindedness”).
3. Sense of adventure:  He described his adventurous spirit and love of exploring nature; then he seemed to veer off again to “trying new things” and “being open-minded.”  

I read his list back to him and commented that he seemed to have a strong desire for acceptance and understanding.  I finally asked, “Do you know what’s inside of you that you feel needs to be accepted or understood?

He thought for a while.  I wasn’t sure whether he was trying to figure out what that might be or whether he knew but wasn’t sure he wanted to tell me.  So I uncomfortably just waited until he responded.

“I’m a sex addict.  I’ve been having sex since I was 10.”

“What does that mean?  How do you know you’re an addict?”

“I’ve had 18 partners by the time I was 17.  I’ve hurt so many women.  They felt we were close and I’d just find someone else.”

“But your essentials all say the same thing.  You want understanding and acceptance: in other words, intimacy and possibly a way to know that you’re OK.”  

I asked him about his family and upbringing.

“I was raised by my mom and only saw my dad once in a while. Actually I didn’t see my mom much, either.  She was always working (he had two sisters). He fixed transmissions.  He was always seeing different girls. Maybe he’s a sex addict, too. My older sister (four years older than William) mostly raised me.” 

“So you didn’t have much connection with your mom or dad?”

“Not really.”  

“Did you ever feel love or intimacy with any of the women you’ve been with?”

“I think maybe with the girl I saw when I was 12 until about 16.  She was a friend of my younger sister’s.”

“But nothing since?”

“No.”

“Well, it sounds as if you’re craving intimacy, closeness, and maybe acceptance and you’ve substituted sex for that ever since you were 10. But the closes thing you can get to it is sex.  No wonder it’s the only essential on your list and that you’re most intimate relationship was when before you were 17.  Even though you have three different essentials, they’re all saying the same thing.”

William seemed to be listening closely.  He even told me that he saw a therapist for one visit, who had told him something similar. 

Of course resolving this emptiness with real closeness, together with the help of a good therapist, will benefit William immensely. I suggested he find someone he cares about and avoid having sex with her for a few months: “Let her know what’s going on, what you’ve been through, and what you’d like to develop.  That will start the intimacy ball moving and avoid displacing it with sex.  Some forms of physical intimacy may be fine, such as kissing or touching, but set a limit and see what develops.”

He said that he once didn’t have sex for three months and felt “suicidal.” I questioned the seriousness of this statement. He replied that he “wasn’t going to kill myself, but felt really bad.”

Sometimes our essentials lists tell us what we need to continue developing ourselves, specifically, to improve those parts that we’re left frayed and disfigured from our earlier experiences. 

Many of these we can work out in our relationships.  We don’t have to be perfect before we venture out, but we should have a direction we’re going toward.  We should give it some thought, often with the help of a therapist to make a list of what we need.  What we want.  And not chase roads that lead us farther away.

For example, William wants someone who’ll help him accept who he is, past and present, and is willing to work with him to help him be intimate, specifically in the type of interactions that don’t end in an orgasm.

You might have noticed that William is so determined to fill this void that he actually chose it as his college major.  With this type of determination, he’ll eventually resolve this issue, and some woman will be very lucky to know him.