Maggy, 64, divorced twice, has children

Maggie is friendly, warm and (sorry for using an old-fashioned term) vivacious.  She laughs easily and is actively looking for a life partner.  Until today, she’d been dating a guy who bathed her in affection and compliments.  Yesterday she received an email from him saying he’s not going to see her any more and “to not bother contacting him and trying to change his mind.”

“Devastated” may be too strong a word describing how Maggie feels, but feeling as if she’s been punched in the stomach may not. So her list of essentials flowed from her like a well-fed mountain stream.  

1. Affectionate:  “I want to be touched, hugged and cuddled.  Sex is important too.  Maybe once a month is OK.”  Maggie had been in a relationship for a few years but she broke it off about six months ago.  They had their problems, but they both bathed in their affection she misses it immensely.
2. Listens to what I’m saying:  “We’re not going to always agree.  That’s fine.  I’ll tell him something that bothered me.  I’ll say it very softly and usually even put my hand on him to make it more gentle.  I just want him to repeat to me what he’s heard and have a gentle conversation so both our views can be expressed.  I don’t want it to go on and on and become angry and loud.” 
3. Allows me to be me: “I’m very friendly and help people when they need it.  I was at an airport when someone needed help with their luggage.  Of course,  I helped, it’s who I am.  My family would all do the same.”  The “affectionate” man she dated for three years routinely criticized her for her outgoing nature, specifically helping people, talking too much at a party, or conversing with someone at a restaurant.  She assures me that she’s doesn’t intrude and isn’t a pest. She has many friends and does not see herself as an annoyance. “His controlling behavior is the main reason she left.” 
4. Treats me like an adult/Doesn’t tell me what to do:  “I’m 64 years old and am very successful.  I don’t need someone telling me how I should drive or the directions I should take when going somewhere; I have a GPS.  I don’t want to be told I shouldn’t buy a second house in Idaho.  I have the money and I can do with it as I want.” In other words, she doesn’t want to be told how or what to do unless she’s asking for the help or advice. She gives me another example: “I’m putting a sweetener in my coffee and he tells me I should use another type.  I try it, but I don’t like it.  But, he continues on and on explaining why I should use it.”  She reiterates, “I just don’t like it when people get overbearing.”  
5. Likes to have parties at our house: “I have a really nice home with a pool, and I love to have people over at least once a month.  I want my partner to enjoy this with me.”
6. Appreciates my closeness with my daughter: “My daughter and her husband are easy to be around and I love it when them come and stay with us.  I want my partner to share this with me or at least be comfortable with them.  My ‘affectionate’ boyfriend would leave and stay in his own apartment.”  I asked her why she thought he’d leave.  “I’ve raised her to be a strong person, and when he’d tell me how I should do things, she once said to him, ‘I’m sure she can figure that out on her own.’  That was it, from that point on he’d leave whenever she’d come over.”
7. Be active and do things together: “On weekends we should do things like walk for a few miles or go out of town…you know, go places and do things, not just sit around the house every day.”  
8. Likes to travel:  “I like to travel and want him to like doing that with me.  One of the things I miss the most about being in a relationship is not having a travel partner.”
9. I don’t like to play hard to get: If I want to be with someone, I don’t want to wait a week between visits just to play mystery woman so they’ll want me more. This goes both ways. One man told me that people want what they can’t have. This is not true for me! I only want what I can have. I think that’s healthy.
10. Be easygoing and flexible 

The essentials in Maggie’s essentials list seemed to be getting less essential, so I asked about the typically important ones she didn’t mention, such as being nice, wanting the same type of relationship, honesty, intelligence, and wanting the same type of relationship as she does. 

She strongly agreed with each and wasn’t even attracted to someone who lacked them. 

How did I know that?  Because these are not the reasons she left her past relationships or marriages. This was a very healthy part of who Maggie is.  The more the ingredients of a good relationship attract you , the less likely you’ll waste your time in an unhappy relationship.

You’ll notice that three out of the four top items in her list are basically the same:  listens to what I’m saying, allows me to be me and treats me like an adult.  She wants to be respected as an equal and not spoken down to or coerced.  

She grew up feeling oppressed by her father, and faced these feelings in each of her serious relationships. In fact, her first marriage, which lasted only two years, happened only because her father pressured her into it.  She learned her lesson well and wouldn’t let that happen again.

Maggie meets people easily.  It’s not surprising that she attracts those who lack the warmth and lively spirit she possesses.  We often try to complete ourselves with our partners, but sometimes resent them for having these attributes or the traits that come with them.  

Next time, if she feels her life force being suppressed, she should move on. Of course, she could try to work things out, but if that’s not possible, move on. We all love the affection and other benefits that come with a relationship, but one cannot ultimately live with an assault on our core personality.

Maggie, continue to pick the people who have the essentials for a good relationship already inherent in you, but add one more thing: freedom to be the friendly, vivacious person you are. 

Your partner is out there. He may be date number two or twenty-two, but he’s there.  It may take a month or two to know for sure, but once you do, move forward.  You’ve got the courage and now the clarity to do just that.