Samantha: female, 34, single

Samantha was very friendly and open about herself.  When I asked if she was ever wed, she said, “No, and I’ve never been in love.” When I asked whether she had any kids, she said “No” and surprised me with her candidness, “I’ve never even had an orgasm, either.” There was a pause, then she added, “at least by someone [else].  It’s a control thing.”  I understood, and we both laughed.  

She acknowledged that she had entered counseling in her 20’s and that mental illness runs in her family.  “My father was bipolar.  He died in 1996.”  She described him as a “mean, unhappy, and abusive man,” but she’s “forgiven” him.   

Samantha says things now are “OK. This is what my life is.”  

She wanted me to know more about her. “I’m not promiscuous, and I don’t serial-date.”  “I finally accept what I look like and don’t compare myself to my friends.”  She describes herself as “broader,” and declares that “I now goes out of my comfort zone.”  

I’d agree.  She was free and would not let shyness prevent her from speaking her truth, nor would she be ashamed or silenced by someone else’s perspective.

When asked for her essentials list, she burrowed into her purse and pulled out a list.  “I’ve had a list since my 20’s,  but recently rewrote it since ‘you need experience to make a list.’”  

So here’s Samantha’s list:

1. A relationship with God: After speaking with her, this more specifically meant he had to be Christian.  She believed that in order for him to have the values she wants, he must believe in Heaven and Hell, good and evil, and Armageddon.  
2. Free of encumbrances: “I don’t want a baby mama or something like that or severe debt.  $5,000 is probably the limit.  But I suppose it depends on how much money he makes.”
3. Healthy: “I know it sounds bad, but I don’t want him to have cancer or some deadly illness.  My mother had pancreatic cancer and I took care of her.  It ‘took me out’ for four years.”
4. Willing to compromise: “I dated a narcissist, a restaurant owner.  I helped him to open [his restaurant].  He never considered my ideas and never paid me [which he had promised].”
5. Happy:  “Most men aren’t happy.  They don’t seem to find this until they’re older.”
6. Integrity:  “Stand for something; don’t just go with the current, but speak up even when it’s not popular.”
7. A mild temper:  “The opposite of my father.”

Samantha was unusually self-reflective and transparent: 

“I’ve never been in love.” 

“I’ve never had an orgasm [assisted by another person].”

“Mental illness runs in my family.”

And she had in her purse a full-page essentials list typed up and ready to go.  

But her life was not easy.  Her father was bipolar, angry, and aggressive and she took care of her mother while she was dying of cancer.  These experiences shaped her and her requirements for a life partner. 

Clearly she needed some stability and direction, and found these in her religion.  In fact, it became her first and most important essential. If her life partner didn’t follow her religious doctrine, she couldn’t trust him as a partner.

Many items on her essentials list came from her experiences with her father.  In essence, it was a menu of what her partner should not be:  in debt, unhealthy, unhappy, with an abusive temper and little integrity.

By the time Samantha was in her 30’s, she was coming into her own feeling more confident than ever and no longer dependent on someone else.  She’d speak her mind and refuse to walk in someone else’s wake.

She’s the only person I met who came with a list not just in her head, but in her purse.  She always carries it with her.  She’ll no longer be “washed around all over the place.”  She believes her religion helped her get here.  Some might call it a crutch, others feel she was “saved”. But she sought help and found it.

Will Samantha be able to find her new confidence within herself?  Can she feel safe with someone who has different beliefs, but the same essentials?  

Of course, I don’t know.  She may or may not have to face this bridge in her lifetime.  But she’s a lovely person who deserves the best from whomever she chooses.