Kelsey: Female, 55, single

Although Kelsey is half way through her 50’s, she easily looks ten years younger and keeps her body in pristine shape.  She is not just a casual participant in a conversation, but takes control of much of it, is colorful in her word choices, laughs easily, and is anything but shy.

It’s not surprising that her essentials list is well thought out:

1. Financial security: “I’m afraid of having someone mooch off of me.”  Kelsey owns her own business, works hard and makes a good living.  “If I can do it, you can do it too.”  She once dated a “beautiful writer” who suggested, “‘Why don’t I just move in with you and assist you with your business?’…It was a big turn-off.”  Kelsey says she doesn’t need a man to be rich, but “He’s 50.  He should have his shit together.  Have a career.  Have some passion.”  She wants someone whom she doesn’t have to carry, is responsible, and brings as much to the table as she does. “It’s not the money, but direction and responsibility…Success is doing something you love and making your life work for you…not being dependent on someone else.”  She thought for a moment, then laughed as she knew the words she’d say would sound conceited, but Hell she’d say it anyway, because she means it, “I know I won’t find me.” With that she was on to essential number two.
2. Consciously aware of their body and the environment: Her partner should be “healthy in mind and spirit…He should take care of himself…If he’s a guy eating fried Snickers bars, I’m totally turned off.”  Kelsey explained it this way:  “I hope I live a really long time and I want him to be around to go on this journey with me.” 
3. Happy:  “He has to already be happy.  If you’re not happy, you can’t make someone else happy.” She wants someone to add to her journey. It seems to be an extension of wanting someone who doesn’t just contribute financially, but consciously and spiritually. 
4. Likable:  She’s noticed that she keeps people in her life longer if her friends like them. She’s dated those who didn’t blend with her friends and that didn’t work.  They’ve been her “family” for most of her 55 years and cognizant of  my repetition, she’s looking to add to her life, not subtract from it.
5. Attraction: “I used to be like a guy.  If I didn’t want to fuck them on the first date, forget about it. Now I need more.  That doesn’t last. It will never be the glue that holds us together. I still need to be attracted, but now someone who’s really smart and interesting seems turns those feelings on.” 
6. No addictions:  Specifically smoking or drugs (she quit smoking five years ago).
7. No long-distance relationships  
8. Honesty:  “Oh my God, anyone who lies is 100 percent off the list.”  In fact, she questioned whether this should be the first essential on her list.  This brought up a story of a guy she dated for ten months who she described as a “sociopath”.  While on a trip together, she found a text from another girl he was seeing.  She left as soon as they returned home.

I asked whether it was essential that you and your partner wanted the same type of relationship.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t.  “I need an old-fashioned relationship.  I have friends who are swingers.  I could never do that…I don’t need a husband unless it’s better for taxes or end-of-life decisions.  I’d love to live with him, but both have our own houses and spend a couple of nights a week apart so I can see my girls.”  She then took a moment to think this through.  “I’ve been single my whole life, maybe I have too many preconceptions…well, maybe he’ll be easy to live with all the time.” As you can see, she’s not sure what she wants, so she’s not sure what to seek from him. 

The experiences of her friends who’ve had palimony payoffs made her question the whole idea of marriage.  “It’s a legal situation…It brings all of our financial situations together… I’m really afraid of tying my money up with another person…It’s frightening to think they can take everything from me.”

Kelsey is bright, financially successful, and speaks her mind. She’s a strong woman who commands the room and most conversations and has 55 years’ worth of friends.  Although her life is full, she’d like an intimate partner, maybe even a husband.  

But she’s gun-shy and has dated many men, although most have never been able to support themselves.   Often they’re artists and rebels and seem drawn to her outspoken strength, style, and charisma.  Truthfully, she’s probably equally drawn to them.

After a year or two hiatus, she’s returning to the online dating process.  We discussed how best to modify her online self-description to better attract a man who might satisfy her list of essentials. 

Kelsey brings a lot to a relationship, but needs a man who offers just as much. Merely labeling our essentials is a great first step, but not usually enough. It’s important to look at who we are attracting and why. 

It’s equally important, if you easily take charge of a conversation, as does Kelsey, to spend more time listening.  Observe who this man really is. Allowing enough open space naturally places the responsibility on the other person.  See if he takes it and what he does with it.  See if he’s an addition or subtraction from your life.