Judy: Female, 29, has children, married seven years and dated her husband for seven years (since she was 16)

Judy was calm and warm.  Her essentials were fairly mundane:

1. Communication: “It’s the little details that can pull you apart…If you’re going to be late, don’t just show up late, tell me…If you go out with a friend, don’t tell me you’re working late…How could I trust you?”  Of course, this essential dealt at least as much with honesty as it did communication.
2. Quality time together:  “There’s nothing worse than feeling lonely together…He (her husband) has a hard time expressing himself and being affectionate.  He just sits most of the day with his computer, phone, and TV.  So I carved out time for us to talk.  At first, he thought I was mad at him or trying to start an argument…In the beginning, it was hard for him. It’s still hard but getting better…It’s how his family communicates.  If there’s a next time, I’m watching how their family interacts.” This essential might better be labeled as communication.  He seemed to be perfectly happy spending all weekend together, although his ability or need to communicate with her seems pretty limited.
3. Financially stable and responsible:  “He doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to come up with the rent and be responsible.” In her past relationships, she’s dated men who didn’t pay their rent and one who was even evicted.  
4. No addictions:  Her father was an alcoholic and wasn’t financially responsible.  Her mom was forced to be the adult in their relationship.

I asked about some of the usual essentials.  These were her responses:

Attraction:  “Not that important.”

Desire for kids:  “Of course. The kids love their father.” They have two together.

Religion: “I go to church one or more times per week.  He usually goes with me.  It’s never been a problem, but I need someone who has the same beliefs.”

Judy seemed pretty transactional about dating.  “I don’t date to have fun, I date to have a family.”  She laid this out to her boyfriend (now her husband) shortly after their first date.  She was 16 and he just 18.

I had to ask the obvious. “Didn’t that scare him or chase him away?”

She responded, “Surprisingly, no.  One year later he proposed, but I backed out.  I knew I’d be married for life, so I wanted to be sure…Sometimes when we fight, he tells me, ‘You’re going to leave me.’  I say, ‘No, we’re going to be together forever.’”  Judy takes marriage very seriously.  

As you can see, many of her essentials came from observing her parents.  “My husband reminds me of my dad and I’m like my mom.  They struggled financially and our life was unstable.”

Since she was just 16 when she began dating her husband, it startled me when she remarked, “My husband had to mature.  This was his first relationship. But, we’re both dedicated and don’t want to leave.” So I asked about her previous dating history.  She felt well experienced and accepted her position as the authority on this topic.

She has rules she feels a happy marriage should observe. “We don’t go to sleep angry, so sometimes we shove the dust under the carpet.  He’ll get up and go to the couch, but I’ll stop him and say, ‘No, you’re going to come back in bed and get a cuddle with me and go to sleep.’” 

She’s determined to have the marriage and the life she wants.  “I want to live.  I want to go places and do things. He’d be fine not moving from the couch. So I just started going places without him.  I’d wait five minutes and then I’d leave.  It broke him. Now he goes with me more often.  He’s mad the first hour, than has a great time.  He says, ‘Thanks, babe, for taking us out.  You’re the rock, the glue.’  

Judy is a strong woman with a vision.  She refuses to fall into the same type of marriage her parents lived, although their relationships have many similarities. 

She took her mother’s role as the communicator and manager of the household and was determined to make this relationship work.  She didn’t enter into it blindly, waiting six years before she agreed to her husband’s proposal.

Unlike her father, Judy’s husband was a willing partner and complies with her ambitious agenda.  He even thanks her for doing so and seems to recognize how it benefits their family.  Another difference between her and her parent’s relationships was addiction.  She didn’t accept a partner who was an addict; her mother did.

Most relationships need understanding and modifications from both people.  But Judy knew what she wanted from the beginning and refused to marry until she saw a reasonable likelihood that it would work.  Her mother probably agreed to his proposal based more on hope than belief and a vision. 

Belief and hope are not the same.  One is essential and the other is not.