Asher: 24, male, gay, single, no kids, but “lots of nieces and nephews”

Asher was upbeat and friendly. When he learned I was writing a book, he wanted to know more and be a part of it. So although I had finished my interviews, I did one more, and it may be my favorite.  Here it is, Asher’s essentials list:

1. Forgiveness:  “We shouldn’t hold things against each other.” His example was “If you go to a restaurant and have bad service, don’t freak out.  Take things in stride. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing.”
2. “He can’t be a sorry, lazy dude. If something needs to be done, just do it…Most men aren’t men nowadays; everyone’s a victim…Men in Hollywood think their lives are so hard. If they buy a nice meal for a woman, they think she’s his property.”  
3. “He can’t be an atheist. There’s something bigger than us…Lots of atheists have hugely inflated egos.”
4. “He must like nature. I mean, if we get stranded in a plane crash, don’t just freak out, handle it.”  And one more admonition on the topic of liking nature, “Don’t just go to Runyon Canyon [a place in the Hollywood Hills where people often take their dogs and hike] and say you’re into nature.”  

You wouldn’t be alone if you got the impression that Asher may be holding on to a bit of anger.  He may not even be aware of it.  

While discussing his “nature essential,” he began to talk about himself, specifically his upbringing:

“My family would hunt and I hated it.”

 “I was stranded when I was 6 or 7. We were way out in the country.”

“My brother (who was two years older), was supposed to watch me, but he often just took off and left me alone in the woods.”

“My parents are from way out of the city in Texas and Utah. She [his mom] told us that if we saw someone, it was probably a predator, ‘There weren’t regular people out there.’” 

“We’d use guns and knives to protect ourselves….We should have been dead.”

He continued to reflect on the life lessons he learned growing up. 

“My sister died when I was 8, but  I learned not to freak out about death.”

“I was in a party and someone came in shooting up the place.  I was able to get out.  I could tell something was going down. It gives you common sense.”  

And one more thing:

“When someone’s beating me, I know how to do a wheel [or windmill, I wasn’t sure exactly what he said].”   He demonstrated by taking his arm rapidly through a full circle.  “It looks ridiculous, but if you do it hard enough, you’ll get free and get away.”

He was proud of his toughness and wanted the same thing from the man he’d fall in love with.  This seems to merge with his fifth essential:

5.  “I want someone just like me.  There won't be a wedding.  I don’t do that.  So if we have a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ situation and somebody is shooting up the world, you want to make sure that your kids are raised in a way that they can take care of themselves.”

I was curious what Asher would think of the typical essentials most of us want in our life partners, so I started listing them: honesty, sexual attraction, communication…. He interrupted me:

“People aren’t really honest anymore…I don’t believe in real love or forever. I just need a partner I can make it with.  Nothing will break us…”

His views on honesty:  

“Sometimes you can’t be honest and they don’t need to know...You don’t need to say things that don’t matter…Small hiccups don’t need to be talked about.”  

To give you the full flavor of Asher, this warm and friendly twenty-something, I’ll include a few more departing thoughts he left me with:

“I trust myself.”

“Love doesn’t mean I’m a pussy.”

“Marriage is just signing a paper.  Get real.”

On meeting Asher, he seemed warm, friendly, likable and easygoing.  Someone I’d like to know.

After a few minutes, I found a 24-year-old gay boy/man who thinks of himself as a realist.  He says he wants somebody who is strong and independent like himself, yet I think that’s what he is trying so hard to be (and wishes he was), not the vulnerable and warm person who greeted me when I walked into his car.  

Many times we’re “in love” with an ideation of the person we think we’re supposed to be or who our parents wished we were.  

He learned to not be dependent on his family and to toughen his survival skills.  Being gay in a conservative, rural area demanded that.  As for honesty, he has no illusions, doesn’t even expect it.  As for marriage, the word itself sounded farcical to him since people are not to be trusted and love can’t be counted on.  

He will respect only those who have already learned these lessons. 

Asher’s youth and vulnerability seemed obvious to me, yet he’s working very hard to eliminate that and “get real.”

Unfortunately, Asher’s lists of essentials don’t even imagine the traits that would bring him real love, safety and comfort.  Nor could he probably give this to someone else at this time.

When I was leaving the car, he thanked me a lot for this conversation.  When I told him my impressions from our interview, he seemed to want me to stay in the car and talk a bit more.  I wish I could have.