Nancy: female, 52, single, twice divorced

When I asked Nancy the first essential on her list, it was monogamy.  Of course it would be.  She is still in the process of divorcing her husband, who was neither faithful nor honest. 

She’s shaken and putting everything she has into healing herself.  Always a hard worker since she was little, she’s now on disability and fills her week with 12 Step programs and depression classes given at the nearby Kaiser hospital.  The rest of her hours are spent holed up in her bedroom, which she sardonically calls “the coffin”.  But she’s getting better, and that leads to her second essential:

“His values have to align with mine and he has to understand my need for a 12 Step program and even better if he goes to one himself…It’s like a religion.  We talk about a Higher Power and let go and allow faith…My 12 Step program is more important to me than a relationship.”

The third essential on her list is stability.  “I used to want someone who was adventurous and helped me be a free spirit.  Now I don’t need someone who’s just fun.  I need someone I can count on.”

This all makes sense.  This list started long before her first marriage.  Nancy’s mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia when Nancy was a young teenager, and her father was an alcoholic.  Nancy was the one who cleaned up after her mom’s multiple suicide attempts and was the listening post for her dad when he’d fall into an alcoholic depression. 

They are a Japanese family and it’s part of their culture to avoid talking about these situations to anyone, even her family.

Nancy couldn’t afford to get angry.  Unlike most teenagers, she didn’t have the luxury of having tantrums or rebelling.  She just worked harder to try and stabilize her family, which was her life.

All the while, an overriding insecurity formed, as there was little she could count on or trust.  Her safety depended on herself alone.

A strong family gives us an inner sense of security.  When this is missing, we often try to compensate for its lack by filling our lives with a variety of substitutes:  achievements, sex, money, sports, anything.

As we age and these replacements falter, we’re forced to really heal this broken part.

Sharing our shames and fears with others help us to develop a genuine and mutual feeling of love, trust, and nurturing that we never had before, and that’s where our healing lies. 

Nancy is doing that now.  It’s hard and an ongoing process.  She couldn’t imagine being nurtured by someone, so all she asked for in her essentials list was stability, understanding of her 12 Step process and not cheating. She forgot to mention that her partner should not physically abuse her as her last husband did. 

I hope Nancy adds to her list someone who will hold her emotionally and physically and she can trust not only with fidelity, but with her heart and her health.  Many of us need a partner to fill some of the empty places we’ve tried to fill with substitutions, but now want the real thing.