Arun, male, 39, married 9 years (has been together for 14 years), has children ?

I asked Arun if he had any children; he said four.  “One of them died last week. He was my BFF [best friend forever].  He died of a lymphoma.  I took him to the vet, and said ‘Do whatever you can to save him.’  He had surgery, but we couldn’t save him. He was a white kitten with bright blue eyes.  His name was Neon.  He had pointed ears and he’d look deeply into my eyes.  He’d sleep on my arm, massaged me and loved water, which is very unusual for a cat.”

This level of detail wasn’t unusual for Arun.  When he’d tell me about a place he and his wife had been, even if those facts weren’t relevant to the conversation, he’d provide elaborate detail as to its exact location, the trees, the neighborhood…so much that I’d forget what I’d asked and eventually had to interrupt him. 

He eventually described how he met his wife on an online chat forum quoting their initial conversation word for word.  This conversational style, combined with his almost robotic voice cadence, made me question whether he was on the autistic spectrum.

He loved his wife and remarked that they think exactly alike. “We both think tattoos are an insult to the body, believe in astrology, and are both monkeys according to Chinese astrology.  We both love animals, I love dogs more, but she’s more of a cat person…We have a psychic connection and can read each other, and know the other’s needs. I can tell when she’s hungry or tired or needs a massage.”

He became a bit embarrassed and said he was going to tell me something very personal.  He paused for a minute to gather his courage, then pronounced, “I like getting head and she likes giving it.  She can also tell when I need it.  We have good chemistry.”

Although she’s 24 years older than he is, he says that’s not an issue at all.  They were both raised by very strict parents, he in India and she in the U.S. 

She had two meaningful relationships before meeting Arun: one was with a man who, during the course of their relationship, converted to a woman, while the other was a woman who converted to become a man.

I asked him about his prior relationships. He said he’d never been in a relationship before and  “was initially left-handed, but my mother forced me to use my right hand and that’s why it takes me a long time to make decisions.” I believe this was his explanation for why he had no prior relationships.

Arun’s essential list was the following:

1.    “She must be a pet lover.”

2.    “She must be a nonsmoker.”

3.    “She must not have tattoos and agree they are an insult to the body.”

4.    “She must be intellectually sound so I can converse with her…My brother couldn’t have intellectually meaningful conversations with his wife…He is  planning to leave once his kids are a bit older.”

Arun is very content and loves his wife deeply.  He’s never dated anyone else, let alone even thought of making a list.  They met accidentally, talking online in a chat room that discussed India. But they made a connection. 

Sometimes, I think it’s that simple. 

I doubt Arun’s an easy match, but maybe it’s what some of our parents may have told us: “Every pot has its matching lid.”

Some of us seem to fall blindly into a relationship, while the rest of us usually need to try on a few lids before we have a pretty good idea what our lid should look like.

Still some of us need to try on more lids than others.