Boz: 49, Male, single, divorced, has children (26, 23, 21), currently not dating

When I first met Boz, I was put off, and definitely didn’t want to interview him about the essentials list for his life partner. 

He was probably 6’2” and 240 pounds (mostly muscle, with some fat that seemed to mix in as he aged).  He was tattooed everywhere, including his neck and face, with metal hardware in his lips, eyes, nose and ears.  His head was shaved nearly to the scalp.  I assumed that he had just gotten out of prison.  But I’m interviewing everyone about their essentials list.  So, if I want this to be a fair and random sampling, I have to include everyone, right?

Somehow, I got up the courage to ask him, and here’s his list:

1.      “She must be smart, not someone who lives on social media. I want her to read or watch documentaries and have opinions about what’s going on in the world, not just say ‘He’s an asshole.’”

2.     “I want someone who’s funny…smartass is best.  I love sarcasm.”

3.     “I‘d like her to be a homebody who also likes to go out and do things like walk around a mall or even go to Disneyland.”  He’d also like someone who played golf, but that’s not essential.  “If she liked to watch the Dodgers or Lakers play, that would be nice too.“

4.     “She shouldn’t mind it if I smoked weed.”

5 and 6.

“I’m very close with my kids, so I want her to be happy about that.  My kids are easygoing.” But he paused and said, “We are not a matriarchy,” meaning he doesn’t want her to be bossy.  Things should be easygoing and everyone should go along.  This dovetails with his next essential: “She should just take life as it is.  Who are we to judge?…She should be understanding and not create shame in people, for example about their weight or using weed.”  He just doesn’t want someone who’ll create dramas and try to change and “correct” everyone.

He probably summed it up best when he said, “I really want someone to have fun with, like a friend who I can be casual and laugh with.“

From this essentials list, I assumed he was describing the problems he had with his former wife.  He corrected me.
“My ex-wife was sarcastic.  She always made me laugh…I really miss this. She didn’t shame people…but, she had a bad temper…She didn’t judge and tell us what to do.”

So why did he leave?  He didn’t leave, she did.

“She left me for a guy who told her what to do.  He was really domineering and she wanted that…We’re still good friend to this day.”

He didn’t seem to have any idea that there was a problem.

“One day she just didn’t come home for two days.  She said she was with a friend.  I finally found out when he called her on her phone.” 

It devastated him.  “If you’re with someone you love, you’re really honest…  Honesty means you’re forthcoming about what you’re doing during the day…I felt terrible when she did that.  Now it doesn’t concern me; I’ve built a wall.  I’m not even thinking about it.”

Boz stopped thinking not only about his past marriage but also about the lessons he should have learned from the relationship.  He knew that he wanted sarcasm, intelligence, and an easygoing nature, but honesty, ethics, and communication still hasn’t made the list (actually, having a list hasn’t even made it to the list).

It’s also possible that the book’s cover didn’t match the words on the pages inside.  Boz looked like a super-macho controlling guy (the type she eventually left him for), but he really wasn’t. Instead, he’s intellectual, a homebody, and a good-dad type of man.

Unfortunately, Boz is now gun-shy.  I hope he moves the honesty, communication, and faithful essentials higher up his list and makes sure the woman who’s attracted to his outer shell also knows and loves his inner self.