Bao, male, 26, married

Bao was a very soft-spoken young man; English was his second language.  He moved by himself, from China, to the United States six years ago.

Upon asking if I could interview him for this book, he told me he had just been married a few days ago. 

Here’s Bao’s essentials list:

1.     Love. 

Of course I had to ask what this meant to him and how he’d recognize it.  He answered, “She likes the same style of food I do.” 

Obviously that wouldn’t be sufficient. So I asked for further signs that told him that he was in love.  He came up with something: “We like to do things together.”

I decided to change my approach, and I asked for the second essential on his list.

2.     “My parents and friends should like her.”

O.K.  This was something, and after a few moments, he seemed to assemble a list of things that were important to him and seems to describe the girl he just married:

1.   “We work at the same job together.”

2.  “She’s Chinese and comes from a place near where I grew up.”

3.  “We both dream of a future together, making money and buying a home.”

I was curious whether he ever had a relationship before meeting this girl, so I asked.

Matter-of-factly he responded, “I had ten girlfriends before, but I didn’t want to marry them…If she left the country, I’d miss her.” 

So I asked, why would she do that?

“Because she needed a green card, or she’d have to go.”

“So you married her so she could stay?”

“I made a list, and she was pretty, understanding of me and very sweet.”

“So that’s why you got married?”

No reply.

I asked about his parents: if they were still together.

“Yes.”

“Do they live here or in China?”

“My father lives in Reno.”

“What about your mom?  Does she live there too?”

He mumbled an answer I couldn’t hear.  I asked again.

“She’s in Korea.”

“Are they still married?”

There was a very long pause. I thought I might have been too intrusive.

 “They still see each other.”  Another pause.

 “My father sees other people, but they still see each other.”

His parents moved to different countries many years ago and still continuing their marriage, apparently in a distant form.

I asked how or whether this affects his vision of marriage.

 

“I want to stay married to her.  But I’d like to try new things. But I’m married now.”

I had to ask about the things he wanted to try and whether he felt they would affect his marriage. He looked as if he wanted to withdraw and didn’t respond, so I left it there.

Bao hopes he has met his needs (pretty, understanding, and sweet) and a girl who grew up in a place similar to him.  After all, he’s been by himself in a new country for the last six years. 

They met at work and enjoy doing things together, including eating the same style of food.  Their dreams lined up: making money and buying a house.  Life is good as long as he doesn’t think about the “new things he wants to try” that he feels won’t work in his marriage.

His parents lived separate lives on opposite sides of the globe, but they remained married.  Bao doesn’t want that. 

When his girlfriend had to leave the country because she needed a green card, he made a decision to marry her, He’d “miss her” if she left. 

Bao may not be ready for a lifetime commitment, but he didn’t want to lose the connection with his girlfriend. She represented home, friendship, family, comfort, and safety.  It may be the wrong time and maybe even the wrong person.

Maybe they’ll grow together, maybe they won’t.  We learn so much in relationships and marriage.  Some are meant to last and some aren’t… even if we’d like them to.