Barron: male, 50, divorced, has children, ages 15 through 23, single

Barron was happy to tell me that his current girlfriend “supports me going back to school.”

This means a lot to him, since his marriage of 14 years to a woman for whom he gave up his passion: acting.  He had taken acting classes since he was a child, but stopped because his wife felt he was “wasting his life.” She was distant and seemed unhappy. He became a “workaholic” as a way to earn her love, supporting her as she went on to get her master’s degree, becoming a teacher and eventually a principal. 

Still she was unhappy and was later diagnosed with depression. “To fight the depression, she spent a lot of money on things she didn’t need and clothes she never even wore.” 

“At the end of our marriage, I started getting sick and she eventually left.” Barron looked away and in an understated manner said, “My morale went way down.”

During their marriage, they had three children and “The break- up was really tough on them.”  He seemed proud telling me that he’s close with all of his kids. “We do a lot together, Including going to church.” He stressed how important he felt this was to their well-being.

After his marriage, he had another relationship with someone who “didn’t fall in love with me.  I think she was bisexual.”  In fact, he’s pretty sure about that, since he caught her in two affairs while they were together, one with a woman and the other a man. Surprisingly he didn’t leave—she did.

It’s easy to understand how Barron developed his essentials list:

1. Comprehension: “Understanding me and accepting who I am.” He explained this as “All couples fight, but they shouldn’t go to sleep without saying ‘I’m sorry’… was trying to make her happy; that’s why I worked so many hours and gave up acting.” 

His ex-wife was unhappy, not intimate, didn’t communicate her feelings, leaving him not knowing what was wrong or how to fix it.  Maybe she didn’t even know, herself, or just didn’t have the courage to bring it up with him. 

He may have never been able to meet her needs. But he never seemed to question his own.  Not requiring love and warmth from your partner is a recipe for a relationship where both will be unsatisfied.

2. Respect: He gave an example of this: “When you wake up, say ‘Good morning’. When coming back from work, say ‘Hi, how are you doing?’ Have a conversation and do things together, watch TV together.”  

Not much to ask for.  This shows a lack of warmth and connection. Still Barron didn’t leave.  Instead he tried to make his wife happy, hoping that in some way his needs would be met if he met hers.

3. Discipline: “Planning for our future by saving money.”

4. Fidelity.

Over the last three years Barron’s been happy in his new relationship. “We go for walks, we cook together, she says, ‘I’m sorry’, she’s good at saving money and we’re planning to get engaged.” The essentials that he didn’t have before are being met.

I asked him how she was with his children.  He said, “She’s an excellent mother. She has a daughter of her own.”

“Great; how’s she with your kids?”

“She hasn’t met them yet.”

“Why hasn’t she met them?”

“My apartment is very small.”

“Can’t you meet in a restaurant or a park or something like that?”

“The kids are very busy.”

“It’s been three years.  Can’t you find time for them to meet each other?  You’re going to be one family?”

“I’m not sure they really want to.”

My ride was over; I had arrived at my office.  I had the feeling he was not requiring that his basic  needs be met in this relationship, either. 

He completely gave up his passion for a wife who didn’t seem to want to be with him.  She followed her dream and her career and eventually left him. 

When she left, he was empty and wanted just the basics that he didn’t have in his marriage (shown in his essentials list): understanding, saying hi in the morning, and watching TV together. 

With time, he found someone new who filled his essentials, but he caught her in repeated affairs and knew that she didn’t love him.  Still, she left him. He would have stayed.

Currently he’s in another relationship and is planning to be engaged.  It seems to be a better fit, but after three years she has still never met his children (who he’s very close to).  His explanations for this significant breach in intimacy when joining two families was vague and not convincing.

He told me that something wasn’t right with the relationship but avoided explaining what it was.  Either he was too embarrassed or was doing his best not to acknowledge a serious problem. I worry that it’s the latter.

Sometimes just knowing the essentials that you need isn’t enough.  You need to express your needs and have the courage to show the hurt or sadness you feel from not having them met.  You also have to do something about it, even if it means getting help or leaving. 

This is hard for most of us, including me.  But relationships where our basic essentials aren’t met leave us feeling more empty and alone than not having any relationship at all. Getting out of a loveless relationship allows us to have encounters with new people and develop a closeness with our friends that we often miss when we are in a couple. 

Still, I fully understand the courage it takes for many of us to make a change.  A life well lived isn’t easy, but it’s better than one not lived well. If you’ve overstayed and are being depleted, gather your friends and family, since they will help you.  This is what they’re there for.  Gather your strength, revise your essentials list, and move on.