Albert: 68 years old, divorced twice and now living with his girlfriend of the last two years; has children (4) between the ages 23 and 38.

Albert is originally from the Philippines, but has lived in the United States for the last 20 years. His essentials list seems to reflect his age and needs at this time in his life.

1.     Companionship: We should have the same interests and enjoy each other’s company.

2.     She must help financially, although I’m willing to put in a little bit more.

3.     We must both be close with each other’s kids.

4.     She must want some sex, but not very often.

5.     She shouldn’t ask about my yearly trips to the Philippines.

It’s not unusual as we pass our 50’s that companionship moves up our essentials list, especially as our libido stops screaming at us and our need for a best friend, companion, and someone to lean on increases.  But this story has an interesting twist.  Albert has a girlfriend in his home country whom he’s seen every year since he left 20 years ago.  She used to be his secretary, but is now wed to another man.  They still continue their relationship from afar unbeknownst to their partners.

Albert doesn’t believe he’s lying to his current girlfriend, and she’s supposed to not ask too many questions.  He probably has sex with other women as well while he’s there, but as he explains, “that’s not unusual for men in the Philippines”.

He makes it clear that the Philippines is a Catholic country and it’s very hard to get a divorce there.  So that it’s customary for men to have sex outside their primary relationship.  When I asked whether the same rules applied to women, he felt it necessary to set me straight.  “Women cannot [have sex outside their marriage] because their emotions get involved.”

When I asked about his apparent emotional tie with his longstanding secretary, he just smiled and said he knows it’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.  In fact, he said that this was the reason he left his second wife: she was cheating on him.

When I asked what his ex-wife’s main complaint about him was, he said, “being stoic”—that is, “not being too emotional”.  I asked whether he’d like someone who was as stoic as he.  He said no, and continued, “I know it’s not fair. I try, but it’s not who I am.  I probably learned it from my father.  He was a judge.”  He learned other things from his father as well, like having outside relationships, the way his father did with his mom.  He seemed to brush it off, saying, “it’s the culture.”

Albert knew what he wanted and got it.  His essentials list was pretty clear and practical.  He basically wanted a friend/roommate with some sexual and financial accommodations.  That’s what he has, and he is satisfied.  I hope his current girlfriend  and her husband have lists as well—one that satisfies their needs.