Alberto: male, 49, gay, single

Alberto took quite a while to come up with an essential for his list, but after prolonged contemplation, his answer was quite simple:  kindness. 

To better understand what he specifically desired, I asked Alberto what that might look like or how he would recognize it.  He said, “They need to be kind to themselves and to others.” 

Unfortunately, describing a trait by using the trait itself as a descriptor isn’t that helpful.

He tried again. “They’d give their time to me and to other people.” 

I tried to clarify this by asking, Would you need more time from your boyfriend than you usually received?  He didn’t respond to my question; instead he just continued, “My boyfriend would be honest.” 

This wasn’t helping me to understand how he’d recognize a person who was kind.  I asked if a lack of honesty was his definition of not being kind, or whether that was just another trait that was important to him? 

Again he continued, possibly believing he was answering my question: “He’d be sensitive and relate to my pain and joy.” 

Struggling to help him understand what he truly wanted from a lifetime partner, I tried another approach.  I asked him about his last relationship and listed the qualities he just told me he wanted (i.e., kindness, honesty, give me and others his time). 

I listened for a while and the mud began to settle. Alberto wanted someone who’d freely spend more time with him, empathize with his struggles and make him feel safe and valued. Alberto wanted someone to share his life with, so clearly the man he’s looking for must want the same thing.

Although he was with his last boyfriend for two years, he knew in the first six months that his boyfriend didn’t desire the same committed, lifelong partnership that Alberto was looking for.  Yet he stuck around for another 1½ years before finally leaving. 

Alberto labeled this essential as one thing: kindness.  It wasn’t that. 

Although his boyfriend had a lot of kind traits, he wasn’t as available to Alberto as Alberto needed and, even worse, was ambivalent about having Alberto (or possibly anyone) as a lifetime partner.

The rest of Alberto’s list was pretty mundane:

a.  Adventurous and somewhat spontaneous

b.  Attractive to Alberto

c.  “Being honest to me even if it’s uncomfortable “

Alberto didn’t have a problem recognizing these traits in his past relationships.  In fact, these characteristics attracted him to his boyfriends in the first place, and a relationship would never have started without them.

But Alberto was an artist and had a characteristically artistic type of mind.  Artists are often right-brain-dominant and often have a hard time putting their thoughts and feelings into words.  Often, as in Alberto’s case, they poorly describe or label their thoughts  even with the best of effort.

Alberto’s essentials list started with kindness (to themselves and others).  Actually, his list should just say “kindness to me,” as it’s difficult and sometimes impossible to know when one is truly being kind to himself.  So I recommend keeping your list as simple and easy to recognize as possible.

After some prodding, kindness morphed into “spending time with me and others” (again, he meant himself).  More prodding led to “honesty.”  I questioned whether his last relationship was ever truly dishonest with him and it didn’t appear to be. 

With Alberto’s last boyfriend, he hoped with time his partner would want to spend his life with him. If his list didn’t include requiring a man who’s willing to spend his life with one person and (in time) knowing that it was him, then he never asked the right question. Honesty, kindness, and adventurous would not have helped.

Like most of us, Alberto is drawn to the people who fill many essential needs.  But, he, like most us, may desire a trait or two that’s difficult for us to express to others and even to ourselves. 

Go ahead.  Write it down.  You don’t have to show it to anyone, and as you can see by the rest of our lists, it’s not that different.  So recognize it, describe what it would look like when you meet it, and write it down. 

In Alberto’s case, his boyfriends probably found themselves confused and angry by his arguments, which often weren’t about the real issue that he needed to have addressed.

I know that by reading others’ stories in this book and by challenging his character descriptors,  he’ll not only make better choices, but also help future boyfriends understand his real wants and needs. Not only will Alberto feel more completed and at peace, but so will the man who loves him.