Bradley: male, 33, single

Bradley’s needs are pretty simple and traditional:

1.     “A working person.” 

2.     “A responsible person… She should plan how we manage our money…We’re not kids any more…we’re not partying and drinking like we used to.”

3.     “She must believe in God. I’m Christian and my girlfriend is Catholic.  We go to both churches one or two times a month at least.” When I asked whether it’s essential that she believe in a Christian faith, he gave me a puzzled look, as if to say “What other faiths are there?” So I prompted a response with multiple choices: “Jewish, Muslim, Hindu?”  His face was so twisted by the time I got to Hindu, I figured the answer was probably no and didn’t continue. 
  “  "She must want to be a mother and have a family with me.”

These all seemed like very traditional, family-type essentials. 

I asked if his current girlfriend had these traits.  He responded evasively, “My girlfriend is very responsible, she takes care of the bills and keeps the house clean….I like a woman who is very clean, but I take 50 percent of that job, so maybe ‘being organized’ is a better way to say that.”

“How does she feel about having kids?”

“She’s not sure about that.  She’s  40, has a limited time.  I’m not sure if she wants to.”

“Have you asked her?”

“She knows how I feel.  Yes, we talk about it.”

“Well she’s 40; it may not be so easy for her to get pregnant.”

“I know, so I want her to go to the doctor and be checked. She hasn’t done that yet.  She’s probably afraid to find out.”

“What would you do if she couldn’t have a child?  Would you stay or would you leave?”

“I told her if we couldn’t have a child together, I could have one with someone else.”

“Do you mean like a surrogate?”

“I’m not sure about that.  I can’t afford to do it that way and she’s afraid I’ll fall in love with the baby’s mother if we do it the natural way.”

“Did you tell her you wouldn’t?”

“I couldn’t promise her that.  Anything’s possible.”  He took a moment and continued, “We lost one kid already.  She was excited, we both were.  We got everything ready and we were really happy.  She lost the baby after five months.  She was really sick and depressed after that for a long time.”

“Well it sounds like she’d love to have a child, but may doubt she can have one and is afraid of losing you if she can’t.”

“Yes, you’re right. I’ve just put it on the back burner. I’ll probably give it another year to see what happens.”

He thought for a while and seemed to reach a resolution. “If she couldn’t have a baby, I’d stay if she let me have one with someone else.  If she wouldn’t, then I’d leave.” 

For the moment, his problem was solved and he generously thanked me as the ride was ending. A weight he was carrying seemed to have been lifted.

In this case, Bradley had other options which may be better, if he and his girlfriend had the courage to take the topic off the back burner and tackle it together.

First of all, a grown man should be able to reasonably guarantee his loyalty and love to the woman he’s going to marry; otherwise, what’s the purpose or meaning of their marriage (providing they want a traditional type of marriage)?  Without that, how could she move forward with him?   

Of course there may be other possibilities that a little thought and investigation may reveal: for example, finding a lesbian who was in the same situation but wouldn’t have an interest in a relationship with him. Or even inserting sperm, nonsexually (it isn’t that expensive and can be done by the woman without the man even being there). 

That’s one of the limitations of the “back burner” method of decision making. Your options will be limited and are usually made by someone else.

Life’s full of tough decisions.  Leaving someone you love versus staying is one of those that directs the course of our lives.  Sometimes they’re so painful, we chose not to make them.  But don’t fool yourself: even a non-choice is a choice.  It’s just that it’s made for us instead of by us.  Sometimes it’s the right one and sometimes it’s not.  It’s usually worth the effort and time to make that decision yourself, since such decisions are not incidental, but actually define who we are.  Yes, it takes courage.  But who says a good life doesn’t require courage?