Max: male, 23, single

Max had recently ended a 1½-year relationship in which he and his partner argued regularly.  He now wanted to find someone to love.  He’s had sex with and without love and preferred the former.  His list was short:

1.     Good communication.

2.     Speaks easily and gets along well with his family and friends.

I asked him about other possible requirements and he said he’d also like to have someone who’s into health and fitness.  Upon further questioning, he admitted that this was an acceptable way for him to say that he wanted someone who kept herself in shape and had a body that he desired physically.

This point was hard for him to express. He seemed embarrassed, as he thought that this attitude might reveal a shallowness in him.  I told him that our species has survived because of that very shallowness, which was especially strong for a male in his 20’s and 30’s.  In short, it couldn’t be ignored.

What he meant when he mentioned his need for communication actually turned out to be a strong desire for someone who would bring him out of his shell.  Since he was naturally shy and introverted, he wanted someone who would help him grow and be the person he wanted to be:  in other words, to have a relationship that he couldn’t establish by himself.

Max felt mildly ashamed of his difficulty in expressing himself and his physical drives.  While his essentials list addressed the needs he recognized from the failings of his last relationship (with a woman who argued frequently and didn’t connect with those close to him), it didn’t delve deeply enough into what he meant by communication.  Since he judged his desires negatively, he removed them from his essentials list, even though they had to be there in order for him to be fulfilled.

So his list is still in the defining and making.  I hope he’ll read this book.